To My Father, its over…. Learning to let go.

 

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I miss my father & I think that’s why I go so hard FOR the black man.. He’s misunderstood, isn’t acceptable for him to cry OR raise his voice.. Only to make the money & be strong as an ox… Nothing against my mother, Ive just always missed my daddy’s presence more. ‪#‎noApologies‬ ‪#‎reflecting

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See I was the type of child who REQUIRED a 2-parent upbringing.. I deserved examples (external/conscious/yang) of balanced and harmonious partnerships, but because this wasn’t the design, I’ve spent the last 29years trying to restore homeostasis from within (subconscious/yin/internal source) via outside sources. ‪#‎doingItWrong‬

Nevertheless, here’s an open letter to my father… May this letter be received with all the love, fire, passion, growth it has taken me to release this to you all… Ase’

 

Hey Daddy,

Its Tai, your eldest girl, your babygirl.. Well im grown now but It makes me feel protected.. no, comfortable. when I hear you call me that. As if to say no matter what, you’ll always be there to fight the bad guys.. I Am precious, whole, pure, and sacred.. No matter what “they” said about you, don’t matter if you really did take that money to drop the charges on the principal who molested me back in 99… Don’t matter if you stabbed and threw my little sister’s mom out of a window cause you were zooted out your mind.. Don’t matter if we haven’t seen each other in damn near 10 years, your voice, your texts, your pictures make me feel whole.. make me feel pure.. make me feel sacred.. make me feel loved… don’t matter that you didn’t notice your nephew in laws behavior towards me.. doesn’t matter the signs you missed that they were fucking the innocence OUT of me soon as you left the house that one summer.. Don’t matter about the first UTI I got after the fact.. don’t matter you didn’t inquire why I was walking funny the day the oldest one shredded my cherry.. don’t matter if you couldn’t FEEL me being raped in you and your wife’s bed… he spilled out of me onto your covers but its okay, because im safe now.. im your babygirl again… I Am precious.. I Am sacred.. I Am whole.. I Am pure when I finally hear from you after your 2-3 year hiatuses between calls texts.. I make sure I don’t ask too much from you Daddy because I know you get frustrated easily.. You have a new family now.. You have your own church now.. you’re walking that straight narrow and righteous path now.. You work two full-time jobs to help maintain your new life out in Cali now.. Its beautiful to see you finally becoming a responsible adult who’s in tune with his children.. Im happy for my little brother. He gets ALL of you and his mom in the same house.. Not the immature, reckless daddy myself and other 4 siblings were forced to grow through childhood into adulthood without.. because im your babygirl when you find the time to text.. you make me feel whole… pure… innocent.. untorn.. untouched… with an abundance of love… but I make sure not to overwhelm you with the excitement of your acknowledgment of my existence… I know its just a text but when I see your avatar pop up, I know you finally see me.. not when I was stripping or doing porn or dying my hair or getting tattoos or dating women… no, you see me NOW and for that, in theory I should be grateful… but can I be honest with you about something… Im scared Daddy.. im scared im gonna love a man so completely, so wholisticly yet he cant FEEL me when I need him most.. he cant see me due to his own hang ups and perceived imperfections.. that no matter how loud I yell on these blogs, in the songs I sing, in the loud silence between disagreements he STILL wont hear me… Im terrified ill marry a version of you.. or worse, have a child out of wedlock then left stranded by a YOU… when I accidentally lose my cool get dragged around my own apartment by my dredlocks by a man like you… im afraid he’ll stab me and toss me out a window like trash and our 2 year old child will witness OUR drama then subconsciously only be attracted to men LIKE you, I mean him.. but in order to grow I must face these fears.. That that same child will grow up selling dope, staying high, only attracting women with savior complexes… beating up females/males for sport, having babies by young men/women who hate her/him yet she cant stay away from them because she/he subconciously KNOWS what s/he’s missing but cant figure out s/he needs it more than them.. but in this moment, when that phone lights up once a week, well monthly, no every two months… those few moments, hours days, years between messgaes I remember how im your babygirl, but only for the now… Nothing is permanent daddy, you taught me that. Both you and mom yet SHE managed to pull it together.. but this aint about her, this is about you. I love you so much daddy, you even tell me back unlike mom but SHE shows it. Why cant YOU be like mom? Then again why cant she be more like you? This imbalance terrifies me daddy.. I deserve stability in life.. in a man, in me.. but dad.. You were supposed to lay foundation for me/us to stand on as adults but look at me?? Look at US?? And just as im about to lose my cool im reminded of who poured the concrete for your own dwelling? Where is he? Whats his name? Is he still alive? See, your mother, like my mother managed to hold it down.. but your father, like you, OUR father, (not the one in heaven) just couldn’t get right for us… Then again 1/5 aint bad.. I guess.. ~sighs~ This life has been a bunch of trial and error and im tired of going it alone independently.. your texts aren’t good enough for me anymore, never have been, and they never will be.. but I swallowed hard to accept that about you.. shit not just you but ALL men I allow in my life.. you set the bar so low, the fact they click “like” or share my blogs is enough constellation that I matter to them.. if only for a weekend.. if only for that blowjob.. Im fucking valid to him.. to you.. and its over. I cant do this with you anymore. I deserve more and I wont be settling again. You lowered the standard, your own daddy set and got dammit im raising it.. The pain, the resentment, the bitterness, the let downs, the hope that you’ll stick it out be more consistent in our relationship, those expectations I once had… I have none, for YOU. Its over for us, for you, for WE… but its just beginning for me. It took me sometime to figure it out but I Am whole because of you. I was reborn because of you. I stand tall dark brown wide-nosed, moody, tempermental, slightly arrogant & hypersensitive as all get out because of you.. However, im resilient and tenacious like mom, OUR moms… Your absence taught me its unhealthy to long for life amongst that which is dead.. Those memories I have of the good times, eskimo kisses, hugs and I love you’s ill keep.. ill manifest in my mate.. my monogamous life partner.. I wont be settling for poly anymore.. I have enough bodies inside me… ill manifest the “good/positive” traits while making peace with my own “bad/negative” traits.. I wont have to worry that my husband, yea husband wont remember to pick me up when he promised ALL week he was coming to pick me up for weekend adventure.. I wont be standing outside sitting on my suitcase jumping everytime I heard a car coming down the road only to be let down when they kept driving by.. I wont have to prepare myself to believe their lies on the other end of the phone.. fake smile like everything is okay when im dying inside to be held by you, by him…

So in closing, this father’s day I just want the record to show the love I once had for my daddy and the new found pure, sacred, wholistic, untouched, stable, mature, consistent, unconditional, unshakeable love im developing for myself.. I am tired of being bitter towards myself for holding out for him.. For all the years of battle, im going to use what this particular days energy to win this war… Today, Im ‘celebrating’ my biological fathers role in my PRO/RE-creation process.. Until the next text, I love you daddy, and I  Hope you have a great day daddy… With CONDITIONAL love, your babygirl, Tai.

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There are no absolutes in this life.. Because even in death, we return.

 

Thanks for reading. T.D Hooks

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