Disclaimer: Self-Preservation is Law. In order to preserve the self, I had to symbolically kill the “nigga man apologist” within. He’s been laid up on my proverbial couch, eating all my kids cereal, using up all the high speed data, making other nigga-men moor “sovereign” off MY dime 7years too long now. My 11year sun old is now 18. Gone off to college doing something with his life while you, the nigga-man, sell dreams to other women behind my back because you intuitively feel when a FEMALE is up to something… After all this time, NOW you feel me huh? What am I up too you ask? Hmph…
Dear Black Man, (not to be confused with the nigga-man above)
I know you don’t know me, but ive heard a lot about you. Read stories about your type. Dreamed of what its like to have you come home to me, the children, the dog, our home, after running successful businesses a couple days a week, but ive been wondering why don’t you see me? And I figured it out today. See a black MAN isn’t attracted to little girls, Be it in females under 18 OR over 25, only the “nigga-minded male,” is attracted to “little girls.” And for the last 20years, regardless of the age/wage gap, this is the only type of “man” that seems to approach me. I mean, it makes sense because that’s all ive been attracted too. Granted ive come from the scrotum of a nigga-male but I mean damn. Its been 29 years, 10 months, 1 abortion, 1 miscarriage, 3 trips to the free clinic for that nasty ass swig of whatever the fuck that concoction is for chlamydia and got dammit something has to give!!! Ive been on my “Lemonade” tip for the last few years now. You know, fasting, detoxing http://www.ammashs.com/ , shoving precious stones up my snatch https://www.yonieggs.com/ walking barefooted in grass #grounding, praying meditating burning all types of candles, sage smudging cleansing my aura http://frommyhouse2yours.bigcartel.com/ practicing yoga from the Ancients http://www.firehawkyoga.com/ even dreadlocked my hair but STILL like the succubus he is, my GAWD, the “nigga-man,” he haunts me.
Black man, I read somewhere that one could track their depression by the relationships they’ve been in or something like that. And ive been doing some introspection on this. Even compiled a list of all the “nigga men” I called myself loving to health, pen-pointed just how LOW I must have felt about myself and what attracted them to me BESIDES my vagina, daddy issues &/or fellatio skills. No, I wanted to look deeper. What were they feeding off of? Why did I feel so “fulfilled” while serving them? More importantly, how do I fix this malfunction?
FYI: It started with a post… A black feminists rant about protest inequality depending on which gender had been murdered that week. And as much as I dislike feminists and their bitter ass stance, that young lady had valid points not even I could refute. Thank you Ms. Bee. Your rant was the catalyst that led to this breakthrough..
See what ive come to realize is that I, myself do not respect black women. So in turn, I attract that which I am.. Black men who also despise black women. Now as I think back on ALL the relationships ive been in, down to the countless males ive smashed just or being nice to me, they briefly commented on how they cant stand their children’s mothers, how much of a drug addict their biological mother was, or that they were adopted. There’s something about rejection from the mother, perceived or tangible, that scars the child deep within the psyche. Thus breeding this nigga-minded animal such that of the nigga-man and in my case, the internalized [nigga-male} misogynist. ***PAUSE**
Let the record show that I Am in no shape form or fashion placing the condition of our collective families SOLELY on the black woman. I wouldn’t dare!! However, what I Am saying is that black women must understand how much it scars the child when she denies that child comfort, reassurance, warmth, mercy, understanding and to be quite honest, her DIVINE femininity. At 29, I am just now coming to terms with just how much it hurt to have my mother push me off of her when I initiated affection as a child. I am what the new-age weirdos call an “empath” who just so happens to be a Virgo (talk about irony). Now think about the impressionable mind of a child. I would also like to add that by this time the child is already having their genitalia fondled and manipulated by those outside of her/himself. So the one place that child should, in theory, feel most safe.. Its first home… Is in the arms of his/her mother. Imagine being ridiculed & laughed at for extending your arms outwards for a hug from your FIRST Earth.. First comes the shock and disbelief so you reach again in case you’re tripping. Again you’re swatted away like some nasty fly at a bar-b-que. Next I want you to imagine that same woman allowing her boyfriend to molest her Son. What happens to that unconditional love & loyalty for the mother? Towards ALL women who look-like her? Sound like her? Body type as her? Perfume as her? Career path as her? Music? House? Car? ALL THESE THINGS are stored within the child’s psyche. Feeding the ego false realities. Building alternate personas. At some point you either have no boundaries or become completely guarded. This takes years of trial and error to find some sort of balance somewhere in between. IF you’re not in denial that is. Now we’re in a time in history where black men, who have been molested, are using polygamy (typically religion based) or polyamory, (to which the primary partner just goes along with because he/she doesn’t want to be view as disloyal or wants to keep the “black family” together at her/his dignity expense) as a void filler for their mother. While women, (and men too since we’re being honest,) on the other hand tend to use bisexuality as a means to reestablish some sort of connection with “the mother.” Which inevitably becomes a rat race.. Like a cat chasing its tail.. Like a hamster to a wheel.. Its exhausting and at some point our partners want out. If we aren’t hell bent on sabotaging that is being that we reject BEFORE that person has the chance push US away. Oh, now add children to the mix & the cycle repeats.. A lot of times we even become abusive towards women. Sexually aggressive towards women. Viewing them only as sex objects. Its never-ending until someone CHOOSES to get off this run away train. Rarely does the predator stop themselves. And by predator I mean adult-aged child who has now become a full-grown nigga-man/internalized misogynist. So now we have serial monogamist and poly-lifestyle pushers who in actuality are just accountability flight risks… Ill stop there for now.
With all that being said about the FIRST contact/betrayal of the mother, no matter what they, the black woman has consistently put up with my shenanigans, taken me back into their arms time & time again. Nourished, fed, clothed me when fleeing abusive relationships, packed up my belongings when I decided on a whim to leave “my life” behind without a 2nd thought. The black woman has shown me nothing BUT “dharma” throughout my physical existence in this realm. But the black male.. He’s shown me nothing but the white man’s version of “love” & man is that …shit degrading… Possessive… Abusive… And conditional upon what type of fetish service I could provide.. Daddy/daughter.. Dominant/submissive.. Master/Slave.. Pimp/Hoe.. 50s style Husband/Wife arrangement.. Willing, consenting accomplice might I add but why was I comfortable in those roles? Did I deserve that? Is that the “natural order” of things? Hmm… #reflecting
Fun Fact: What is Dharma? A sacred duty towards someone in a righteous way… obligation to do right by that person.. a covenant
I’ll say it again, Every black woman I’ve come in contact with, for the MOST part has expressed some form of Dharma towards me, while I’ve cursed her name. No one has fucked me over like the black male has, yet I only have Dharma for him. I “love” the black woman, while having dharma for the black man. Wtf is that about?? Ill tell you why. Its because the child within me feels she’s deserves to get her throat slashed on a train. All that mouth she got I don’t blame that cop for dragging her out that car. Disrespectful bit*hall she had to do was put out the damn cigarette. Black bit*hes always gotta have the last word. I would have dragged her ass too!!! F*ck that ho* she probably like that shit anyway. Nigga-man/internalized misogynist logic.
So, Why the loyalty to the black man? My father, as irresponsible and cowardly as he was, that man NEVER denied me affection. Always accepted me, eskimo kisses and told me he loved me back. To him, I mattered. And for however long a man was going to be inside me, b beside me long enough to smell his pheromones, I was going to submit, period! Side chick position available? YAAASSSS!!! please and thank you!!! No accountability on my end. You have to go home to your “happy family” all thanks to MY happy ending.
Sighs, so there you have it. The “nigga man” is a broken man. The internalized misogynist is his handler.. mammy.. jump-off.. mistress. They belong together and if you’re a REAL “wo/man,” or better yet a WHOLE wo/man, stay away from wo/men like us. Do not hire us as secretaries, physical trainers, life coaches, yoga instructors, masseuse, tantra/reiki masters, mechanics, barber, beautician, home health aide, dog walker, babysitters, customer service rep, or even horse whisperer. We are shapeshifting savages that WILL sabotage and manipulate our way into your bedrooms without even trying. Matter of fact YOU will come to US!!!!! We are out of control, parasitic vampires, all because our genitals have never belonged to us, now WE WANT YOURS!!!! Straight zombie shit.. Oh, And if you’re whole and sacred, we WILL prey on you just to break you.. lure you down to the gutters where WE’RE most comfortable. Where WE thrive. And. YOU. WILL. LOVE. IT!!!! Then we’ll laugh, point fingers make vile comments when we’re done having OUR way with you. We don’t deserve anything higher than niggadom. You’re better off Letting us drown. We’ll figure out how to float on our own. Just ask our mother’s.
-Death to the nigga-mind. Within, without, above and below.. And so it is.
Thanks for reading. T.D Hooks