Been spending time with the maternal grandmother in Texas just as I did as a youth. True enough i’m here on business but on a personal note, this is turning into one big ass case study of self… Let me explain.
“Fourth of July weekend, 2016 here I am 4 days away from completing truck driver school #somewhereintexas and of course, being the perfectionist I Am, I strain my clutching knee. As divine timing and “Gawd’s favor” would have it, it’s a 3-day weekend. So im like cool!! Im going home to Grandma’s house so she can love on me, wrap my knee, give me some GOOD pain meds, FILL MY BELLY (yes, lordt) you know, nurture me, so ill be back in tip top shape just in time for class come Tuesday morning!!! #anticipation
140+ miles later I arrive at Grandma’s house… Limping from that hard-body ’95 Nissan truck (no hammers) to the front door, 3 trips to be exact in 103 degree TEXAS heat, mind you.. Open the door, cool crisp central air blasts me in the face. I inhale deeply.. I exhale a sigh of relief.. Until my eyes connect with my makeshift bed er umm couch. **the let down** Mind you ive already briefed Granny on the prior week’s challenges ya know the usual male chauvinistic, sexist, misogynist culture that is the trucking/automotive industry to which im no stranger to. Ive been working in said industry since 2006 so trust me, my skin is thick. However, this situation differs as ive never lived amongst those I worked with. College dorm sleeping, classroom style and OMG has it been an eye opener… Now week one of this 3week Class A intensive was the “welcoming” while week 2 was the initiation. I wont go into specifics but lets just say I would be just fine if I never hear the words “Yall females are taking all of OUR jobs” again in my life. See what that particular guy didn’t understand is that I too am a misogynist, CORRECTION: An internalized misogynist (thanks feminist chick.. there’s the bright side to your shady hearted antics) and didn’t fully comprehend why until I came “home” for the weekend. See, last week I kept trying to avoid this guy but he kept parking near me. Just had to say SOMETHING to me ya know? Just a pestilent little shit I couldn’t get away from. Then, it comes to me, like an epiphany…. He is my reflection!!! My own got damned shadow-self .
According to Wikipedia Shadow-Self means: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shadow_(psychology) Now when I say shadow-self I mean those parts of us that continue rearing its ugly head no matter how many yoga challenges we participate in, how many yoni steams or digestive system detoxes we perform, no matter how much chamomile tea and nag champa incense we burn, that darkside, that shadow just keeps on nagging at your inner peace like that one neighbor we ALL know who will STILL be bussin cannon-style fireworks randomly between the hours of 10:57p.m and 3:13am for the next 2-3 weeks… So, I had 2 choices. Either make friends with this bully, get to the root of why he doesn’t like women imposing on “his” territory, show him im different, you know cater to his egoic persona while stroking my own OR curse this dude (who is also a projection of myself, follow me now) out so bad he never blinks my away again let alone makes another snide remark.. OUTCOME: I did both not only did I make friends with my darkside i physically cursed him smooth out. Banished his ass like a bad spirit who cant accept its no longer in this physical realm!!!! Ghostbuster style… And man did it feel good!!! All that shy, passive shit flew right out the door. I had taken my last blow from misogyny.. or so I thought.
Fast forward… As I open the door inhale deeply, exhale relief only for my next breath to be stolen by the following “decorative hanging wall piece” sight sitting on top of my bed.. umm, couch with a pack of unopened knee wrap sitting on top of it.. Here’s what it said.. (not the actual piece)
Days prior to my return, “SHE FOUND MY SAGE STICK!!! Due to her own ignorance and the not so wise council of a family member, she now thinks im evil…” **deep sigh** For those of you who don’t know what sage is, what its used for or how to use it, see below.
See, im not going to go in about my this situation as it has been thoroughly explained to those who matter, hands washed so on and so forth. However the call to reflection is due to the treatment I received leading up to my coming back in town. #iceCold The treatment ive received throughout my life from grown ass women of the black community, in general, as a youth. This experience has called me to go within and reflect on how I TOO have been so self-righteous I turned my own nose up at things I didn’t understand regarding the direction I see the youth going… how judgmental and closed minded I was, up until stumbling across “Little Red” in Memphis this past May. See http://thedragonflyaffect.com/dark-yogi-files-black-erotica-dark-erotica-bdsm/
Oh not to mention what ive personally witnessed not only in old and bitter black women, but the hatred i am now witnessing in young black males towards older males. Enters Mr. Ervine Randle a.k.a “Mr. Steal Yo Grandma”
See at first I thought it was just white people vs POC (people of color aka the majority of the fucking world population) then I thought it was feminist (dark/light side of matriarchy depending on perspective) vs misogynist (dark/light side of patriarchy).. but oh no no no was I wrong.. This is about ageism.
See, im not going to speak on men because well, im not a man. No matter how “internalized” the misogyny is within me, I am NOT a male and nor do i have the energy to play both roles. But what I am, is a single black woman, knocking on 30, no living children (Ase’), who just so happened to turn her life around from a lifetime of thotting, high blood pressure meds, bifocals, multiple sclerosis-like symptom surviving, yoga practitioner/instructor trying her damndest to stay sane. All while living amongst some of the worlds most OUTWARDLY BEAUTIFUL, culture of male species hating, divorced from the man SHE chose (and vice versa), bitter, resentful, scorned, bad attitude having, neck rolling, finger all upside a ninja head pointing, “strong black & independent BLACK HEARTED FEMALES” that only a great westernized society could manufacture. Nah, its yall im talking about today.. Its yall who are the reason WE cant get along. You FEMALES hate any and everything that stands a fighting chance at NOT becoming you. You take it upon yourselves to climb other folks mountains in an attempt to redeem yourselves.. In an attempt to right the wrongs of your past transgressions against the Self. You bitches betrayed your higher self, you defied God, your intuition.. That which told your dumb ass not to fuck with that nothing ass nigga. Told you not to let that fool take the condom off, buss all up in you but no YOU told God you new what was best. YOU TOLD GOD you could change him. That if you kept the child he would surely stay. He would STOP putting his hands on you and FINALLY make you an honest woman, but no.. Now you mad. Mad at me. Mad at the offspring who just so happens to look just like him, or worse YOU!!! Mad at ALL black men because YOU cant trust any of them because THEY ALL lie.. When its YOUR discernment you don’t trust.. When its YOUR mind that attracted these fuckboys.. Still Mad at ya mama for running off your daddy.
Mad at your grandma for rubbing it in your face about how you should have stuck with that super clean cut, boy who always had a crush on you. Always made sure you got home safely. Asked about you when you went off to the big city for college.. You know, the one guy who was just “too nice” for you.. Too “safe” for you.. With the glasses.. no, the braces that told corny jokes just to make you laugh, thought the world shined out your asshole even when you had permanent PMS pimples on your forehead.. Yea, that’s the brother, YALL/I shitted on. Yea yea I know, its something about men with false bravado that just does something to your vagina region.. (See: http://thedragonflyaffect.com/to-become-a-predator/) Mmhm…. Then you look at the me, the younger versions of self, the younger versions of US, and sabotage kicks in. Kicks in so hard you mask it as “I just care too much.” Nah, You just CHOOSE to only see it as “its everybody else, never me!!” You’re always the victim.. Then tag your cheerleaders to back you for moral support, but you’re independent tho? Got it!! Hmph, No accountability whatsoever and im sick of YOU/me/US!!! We’re fucking it up for the youth. You think they’re not observing US? Mimicking our behaviors as we did to our own elder blood relatives!! Then we talk shit about them tattooing their faces, experimenting with all kinds of drugs while our highest accomplishments are STILL being able to “drop it like its hot” IN PUBLIC at 50+…. Good job grandma.. stay classy… No need to be the pillar of our families. We don’t need the historians becuase You can twerk with your great grands on Snapchat… ****insert eyeroll here**** Swear All we/yall do is bicker and talk about the perceived shortcomings of the men WE shaded because he wasn’t bold enough.. because these “good guys” choose to date other races of women.. Shit, we all deserve a vacation. I know I would have by now if I were attracted to non-black males. Deadass serious. **Shoutout to Kyrie Irving**
With that being said, in two months ill be turning 30. Saw the first wrinkles appear around the corners of my mouth and for a split second I wanted to pile on some concoction of coconut oil, bentonite clay, and some more shit but soon as the panic hit, it subsided. I smiled even harder. I embraced the inevitable as opposed to allowing fear to take over. Thought about how much money my grandmother has spent on Avon products age defying creams and ironically how much makeup the youth pile on themselves to appear older, but what about the mind? Then I think about how they, the elder women of our families have treated us/me as a youth. Granted I was a disrespectful little shit but no one knew or respected the tell tale signs of sexual abuse occurring in a minor back then. I was just “fast,” (fyi, having your genitalia fondled from age 4-13 will do that to a person ya know, expedite puberty-type symptoms and shit) I just needed my butt whooped, let her go a Christmas without ANY gifts **PAUSE** No, im still not over that. If the only way a parent shows love is through producing material goods, then one year because said child’s behavior has become SO erratic, instead of talking with the child, or hiring professional help you shame them. All the other family members exchange gifts and you, the mother pull an old wooden beaded bracelet off your wrist and say here, there’s something for you… **Super Pause** To my exes I apologize for punishing you by withholding my love.. my affection.. I was only repeating what I learned.. At 29, my heart sank remembering that day.. *
So umm yeah, we come from a long line of bitter, resentful, ageist women. Women who envy the youth, vitality, freedom of the younger generation when in actuality, they should be supporting us, and we will do the same for them. Im not sure about rites of passages for 30year olds but man am I going through it. And sadly im on my own. My grandmother is filled with years of guilt burdening her for taking the job in Texas as opposed to going to Mobile, AL to take care of her then Grandmother. Guilt for not being able to assist in rearing me. Guilt for not moving back home sooner to spend more time with her own dying mother so she overcompensates in her everyday life as a nurse.. a friend.. FAITHFUL church member.. And its fucking heartbreaking watching folk what SHE allows to happen with her own free. Yet i’m the evil one.. Hmph!but I digress… The pleasure my own mother took in watching me suffer teaching me that lesson on Christmas. It reminds me of The verbal abuse I observe black feminists spew day in and day out not realizing they have now become their abuser. You/we are sick and infecting the masses, our future with every keystroke.. Every rant, we make against our brother, or a seemingly “naïve” sister. We become our own oppressors and don’t even see it until its too late. Or, we’re just too proud to say “ive created a fucking mess, lets figure out a way to clean this crap up…” Unless you’re just a sociopath then.
Lastly, on this never-ending journey of “healing towards wholeness” I’ve learned to accept that at the end of the day, Self-preservation is the only law that matters, PERIOD! And if I stand a chance in hell at becoming great, at anything, I can no longer hold space for females like you.. like us. Females that embody the “dark” attributes of my mother, grandmother, great aunts, sisters, cousins so on and so forth… Because if I don’t, im going to continue the cycle of attracting more absentee fathers/grandfathers/uncles. I hereby release our bloodline from ALL the guilt, shame, bitterness, and resentment. May y/our heart be cleansed and washed pure from this day forward. For it no longer serves the purpose our most high appointed me to serve in this life and i’ve absorbed all the pain im going to from yall. Ill gladly give it back if that’s what you’re into, but to keep being your little passive aggressive punching bag? Nah, my heart is tired and im good on all that… However, if/When you’re ready, Ill encourage you to walk beside me. My beloved sisters I wish you well but for the sake of everything sacred and holy, keep that cancerous soul of yours far far away from the youth til you’re have inner peace again. You/we’re too damaged, too broken (not whole), too SICK to be “healing/mentoring” somebody else. Climb your OWN mountain ladies. Never forget Who’s oxygen mask comes first. Until you remember….. Love & Light.
Thanks for reading. -T.D Hooks , The Dark Yogi