Category Archives: Trauma

Growing Pains of a Holistic Domme

 

I didn’t know what I meant to you.
I didn’t know my influence.
With your consent, I used you to feed my demons.
The greatest sin in all this is leaving you for years in between sessions knowing full well the impact such a void would leave on an already broken impressionable heart.
To my first subs, I Apologize.
I apologize for leaving you how my first abusers left me after relieving themselves, thus perpetuating the cycle of emotional/psychological manipulation thru sexual abuse.
In this walk of B.D.S.M there’s a fine line between predator & prey.
To be as close to “fair” as humanly possible, your innocence.. yearning for acceptance & mothering made you the perfect prey. In retrospect I would in turn become your beloved predator.
The Lair.. Mantling the Human

 

 

Like the Owl mantling it’s prey, I would shield you. With our Egoic Death imminently approaching.. As the grip tightens around your dainty throat, each breath more shallow than the next, lips loosen, more fingers your orifice(s) receives.. next breath, wrist twist, whole hand engulfed in your seas, Fully received, voice squeals, I loosen my grip long enough to permit air in your lungs, intently glaring into glossy eyes I COMMAND thee, “BITCH BREATHE!”

Breath Play/Asphyxiation
Slow deep & controlled, her eyes gloss, a single tear falls as she smirks, open hand face smack, grip tight once more as i shove my tongue so deep i graze her tonsils, wrist twists, she grinds. FULL STOP.
*tilts head*
Have i given you permission to fuck me back, YET?! A moment of fear wrapped in arousal overcomes her. She knows her Domme isnt pleased. Her cum she attempts to hold. Dopamine, floods as her cheeks turn from pink to  flusterered ruby.. BITCH BREATHE! Wrist twists, she shakes..
**tilts head, She snarls**
You want me to own you, me? One who has yet to take claim of her own divinity by birthright. You lay there, yielding your all to me.. her? In this moment i wonder who’s really in “control” here?
D/s (Dominant/Domme [Feminine Dominant] during a scence or B.D.S.M Play) Lower cased letter denotes status in relationship or hierarchical dynamic. Dominant/submissive (D/s), Master/slave (M/s) etc
Untwist.. losing my grip, “dont let her see your human Dragonfly.. she won’t respect you if you do. Stay present like that shit you preach in them yoga classes & social media posts.. Demons taunt..”
Internal Conflict Ceases..
“Your tears will go great as seasoning in my spaghetti sauce!! She licks..”
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For the last year I have observed both the rise & demise of “seemingly powerful” unions of the aware community community. Unions that were once financially lucrative while spiritually comatose. Crumbling because their foundations were built on trauma but was never addressed properly.  Ive observed abuse of power by D-types & for lack of better words, I was appalled. Even moreso the out of pocket nature of subs is just.. It reflects poorly on their D’s leadership abilities. So I wrote this piece as both the observer & active participant in the fuckery. I Am no better or worse than those who abuse their authority as Dominant. But I will say this, If at any point I feel myself being pushed beyond what I’m emotionally or psychologically equipped to handle from a respectful but firm standpoint, I will remove myself from the sub’s grasp completely. As I teach my students from the first day on the mat, as well as my potential Intimacy Surrogate partners, Self Preservation Is the first & most imporant law of Nature. And believe you me, I Will leave you alone cold turkey if it means my freedom, sanity, or livelihood is at stake, PERIOD. Decorum, consent, respect are all #1 under my leadership & are non-negotiable. Everything else is negotiable. Furthermore, I require Balance & Moderation in ALL things I touch especially MY subs in training..

Find Your Center…
Benediction..
Its kind of strange being a medium whose entire essence is built on one foot being planted firmly in the physically while the other simultaneously dances with the deceased. And as we enter the season of death by Scorpion, the Reaper within rises. Scythe sharpened & greased ready to harvest that which she’s worked all year to reap the benefits of. She’s ready to collect without apology.
Don’t Fear the Reaper babygirl/boy within….
She’s been here before. Year after year, prey after prey the colder she grows but on the contrary her heart warms. Not for those outside but the compassion she has for her own perceived demons is what keeps the proverbial fire burning within..

Continue reading Growing Pains of a Holistic Domme

You have the right to Stay Sleep: A “Stay Woke” Think Piece…

After watching Hidden Colors 1-3/4,  a few buzzkill documentaries & reliving slavery via “strange fruit” memes via social media from your “#wokeAf friends, learning to respect another’s right to dis-associate #staySleep themselves  from the harsh reality of today’s social climate can be challenging. Especially when it requires a certain level of compassion & understanding as opposed to rude awakenings, teasing by name calling (sheep, coon etc), bashing ideologies  or coercion.  But first let me give you the definition of what it means to disassociate so you’ll know how/what you’re dis-respecting..

http://<a

href=”http://www.thefreedictionary.com/disassociate”>disassociate</a>

Now check below to find out about Dissociative Disorders that cause memory blockages or temporary amnesia..

https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/dissociative-disorders/what-are-dissociative-disorders

 

 

Experiencing temporary amnesia (blocked memories) or even being so-called “sleep” is just how the brain protects itself from the reality of traumatic events. Be it a car accident, death of a loved one, sexual trauma or Continue reading You have the right to Stay Sleep: A “Stay Woke” Think Piece…

Nicki Minaj Envy… I totally get it!!

 

Here’s a brief synopsis of my observation over this whole Nicki Minaj Remy Ma beef thing..

 

Y’all are only team #Remy over #Nicki for the same reason folks are team #solange over #beyonce, period.. Keep reading I’ll explain.

Short Version: Trauma & Perpetual self victimization.. Anytime Remy opens her mouth all i hear hypermasculinity..anger pain.. then when i see her, i receive that confirmation.

When i hear Nicki’ s voice theres’s this childlike innocence within it, When i see her? Confirmation. This is a chick who still finds sanctity in playing dress-up.. Fearless, sensual femininity in This modern world & in today’s climate, that’s a BIG no-no.. It’s just not “safe” to be free, flouncing around in “silly” costumes, smiling from ear to ear everywhere you go..

That’s just not adult-like. And you people just couldn’t wait for the big bad wolf to eat her ass alive to prove how right you are about YOUR world…

You know, Remy reminds me of the misguided, disgruntled child with an alcoholic step dad & strung out mother for parental figures, who was forced to raise her siblings before her first menstrual flow.. #rootchakra #foundationsMatter Who then goes to school to pull the hair of the “pretty” girls, with clean clothes with parental figures who care about that child’s wellbeing. The one who all the little boys chase on the playground while calling HER their “homeboy” & getting punched in the shoulder as if she is one of the guys.. I get it. She’s the underdog. And we all love a good “started from the bottom” story to make us feel less miserable about our own shadows & sh*t.

 

I Totally get it..

 

Sooo, what did The Queen Beyonce & Solange have to do with this Made for tv lifetime movie script?

Well Solo, is the “rebellious” (pretty, but still) less pretty, less angelic, unapologetically querky, eccentric, outwardly aggressive hypermaculine version of Beyonce..

And lets be real, yall werent fucking with #solange until she jumped on Jay-Z (#misandry) then dropped ‘Dont Touch My Hair/Cranes’ at the height of your lil #blackGirlMagic ego boost campaign.. Yall wasnt seeing her back when she had regrets about T.O.N.Y so have a seat at the damn table & cut that bullshit out!!!

Now, Remy & Solange Are lyricists/writers while Beyonce & Nicki are performers.. Both highly respectable lanes with plenty of room for growth & evolution. There’s no real need to compete tbh.. but ya know, egoes & whatnot.

In closing, its all art to me either way you slice it.  If you cant tell by now, im biased towards the more sensual feminine woman, versus hyper-aggressive boisterous women.  I mean, I get it tho.. I’ve been hypermasculine for roughly 25years of my life & quite frankly, that shit was exhausting. Y’all can have at it tho. I’m just packing lighter these days.   #traumaFree #lightYogi #dragonflyaffect #exBagLady 

Dear elder males, you failed.

 

TRIGGER WARNING!!!!

If there is a paedophile over the age of 25, still living, still breathing, living good in this “free world” & you, as their parent, uncle, grandpa “male elder” etc are fully aware of their transgressions against children… YOU are a failure. As the protector of the family, YOU were to eliminate ALL threats at the first sign of imbalance.. Especially when your sister/cousin/niece decided she was only going to attract loser men, incapable of actively consitent fatherhood, to reproduce with thus placing said burden on YOUR shoulders. You’re a failure & so is she!

Yes, I’m aware we live in the “sexual liberation” age, but that shit is null & void when children are being born into YOUR living second pubescent life at 35..

When that child starts acting out, running away, being “fass/manish” in school & everywhere, performing UNSPEAKABLE acts on other children, instead of getting them help… instead of intervening with concern, finding out WHO turned them into this child preying entity, you beat them. Not because you want to correct the behavior. it’s because YOU knew something was wrong. YOU knew you were failing somewhere down/up the line and now “outsiders” know your little charade is up. You defied god/intuition & your child.. OUR communities are paying the ultimate price. Continue reading Dear elder males, you failed.

Sexual Abuse Survivor Behavior: Dark Yogi Views


Dark Yogi Views: Sexual Abuse Survivor Behavior…

People see erratic sexual behavior as “bad” or negative.. but from my perspective it’s just misdirected stagnant root chakra healing energy..

I’ve met countless “knock-knee” women with the touch of an angel, who feel their soul purpose is to be the sacrificial lamb of intimacy deprived males & females.. If only they/we knew.

**Knock Knee Woman: During childhood, As a defense mechanism to protect your genitalia from fondling, Your legs turned inward as opposed to remaining bow-legged & open** (Jewel Pookrum or Francis Cress Welsing [Ase’] said this sometime ago) Thus shutting down your security in being feminine..

Too many males walking around phallus on full salute towards any & everything walking.. And for why? For what? Because they ALL need healing.. WE all need healing and it’s in the touch.. the tone of voice.. #melodic the sway of the hips.. #waves the “swag” or rhythm in his step.. #rhythmAndBlues

Due to our ignorance & generational rug-sweeping.. They have mastered the art of manipulating said Power, for THEIR greater good.. Black woman, black man take y/our power back.. ✊

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Thanks for reading. #theDragonflyAffect #darkYogi ✌

Redbone Fetish Aside: “Black Love & loyalty” sure does hurt..

I had to put my little red-bone fetish aside for this one… Let’s get right to it.

You people praising ‪#‎Korryn‬ should be on suicide watch… Living vicariously through someone who all but BLATANTLY told police that they were going to HAVE TO KILL HER “tuh-day,” not tomorrow, but “tuh-day.” The ‘folks’ stood there pleading with her, (a good 5-7minutes longer than #SandraBland extra rude self) NOT to do this, and the fact that she would rather die than comply speaks volumes… but I digress

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Continue reading Redbone Fetish Aside: “Black Love & loyalty” sure does hurt..

Is you conscious or is you woke? I’m just asking…

dear-abby

Dear Dragonfly, Why don’t YOU focus on sexual abuse awareness and prevention the way YOU used too when you first started blogging?! Well, to be quite honest, It was draining. I started losing myself in other folks neglect of their children. I started to try and “save” folks when its not MY job.. I had to come to a place of accepting that their battle is not MINE.. Yes, we have similar scars, similar weaponry.. enemy had the same skin color, but the “battle?” Nah, its their own.. and vice versa.. Shit I’m just here to assist by being an example, through the documentation of my OWN journey back to wholeness. ‪#‎selfPreservation #saviorComplex ‬

So my question to YOU, dear innocent bystander, is this…

Why don’t YOU speak on sexual abuse, the way you talk about these supreme ass white folks that wont GIVE YOU NO JOB, huh? Why don’t YOU share facts/memes about sexual abuse of black boys and girls the way you share footage of blacks being gunned down by scary ass SUPREME white folks…the way YOU share photos of our ancestors being hung from trees.. the way YOU talk about gay agendas.. the way you talk about aint no good men/women.. the way YOU talk about sports.. the way YOU drag religious folks… I’m just asking…

conscious or woke

 

Now, we don’t ALL know somebody that’s been hung from a tree, killed, or denied a job from some “supreme” entity…. but according to the stats http://newsone.com/1680915/half-of-black-girls-sexually-assaulted/ 60% black females (and males, from the perspective of duality, as above so below, as within so without) will have been sexually assaulted by the age of 18… 60% of little black girls and 60% little black boys (separately but equally) have ALREADY been sexually abused/assaulted by their 18th birthday… SIX OUT OF TEN!!! 60/100 Black children… and in majority of these cases, guess what?? The perpetrator is another BLACK FEMALE OR BLACK MALE.. And 9/10, they are family &/or family acquaintance i.e someone the child’s family knows…From these statistics alone, you either ARE either 6/10 OR you’ve loved someone who’s apart of the 60%.. #introspection

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Hmph, so why don’t i spread the gospel about prevention and AWARENESS regarding sexual abuse in the black community the way I “used too” anymore? Oh yall are most definitely aware, matter of fact you’ve BEEN aware for generations, actually.. Yall just don’t [wanna] hear these babies when they’re telling you the truth tho. Too busy stuntin on your rivals just to show and prove you got somebody that comes home to you EVERY night. Knowing damn well they not coming home for you… They’re coming “home” because you’re knowingly, willingly sacrificing your own babies just to say you got somebody… Yea, I see you. ‪#‎pickYourBattles‬ ‪#‎scapegoatSociety‬ ‪#‎AsAboveSoBelow‬ ‪#‎rugSweepers‬ ‪#‎theDragonflyAffect‬

Is you conscious or is you awake? I’m just asking… ‪#‎enemyWithinOrWithout‬ ‪#‎stopDeflecting

 

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Aint enough bleach in the world that can wash THIS amount of blood off your generational hands my “consciously aware” community.. Might as well face yourselves and bathe in it… There’s no “we before EYE” on this journey to recovery. The sooner you comprehend this the better. Self preservation is the ONLY law. Save yourselves first, or drown with the rest of the ship. #noIceberg With peace & chaos, Thank you for reading. –T. D Hooks

The Eulogy: Here lies the Ni*ga Man & those that enable him… Amen.

Disclaimer: Self-Preservation is Law. In order to preserve the self, I had to symbolically kill the “nigga man apologist” within. He’s been laid up on my proverbial couch, eating all my kids cereal, using up all the high speed data, making other nigga-men moor “sovereign” off MY dime 7years too long now. My 11year sun old is now 18. Gone off to college doing something with his life while you, the nigga-man, sell dreams to other women behind my back because you intuitively feel when a FEMALE is up to something… After all this time, NOW you feel me huh? What am I up too you ask? Hmph…

Call Tyrone

 

Dear Black Man, (not to be confused with the nigga-man above)

 

I know you don’t know me, but ive heard a lot about you. Read stories about your type. Dreamed of what its like to have you come home to me, the children, the dog, our home, after running successful businesses a couple days a week, but ive been wondering why don’t you see me? And I figured it out today. See a black MAN isn’t attracted to little girls, Be it in females under 18 OR over 25, only the “nigga-minded male,” is attracted to “little girls.”  And for the last 20years, regardless of the age/wage gap, this is the only type of “man” that seems to approach me. I mean, it makes sense because Continue reading The Eulogy: Here lies the Ni*ga Man & those that enable him… Amen.

Dear Angry black woman, Im tired of yall… I mean, Us.

 

Been spending time with the maternal grandmother in Texas just as I did as a youth. True enough i’m here on business but on a personal  note, this is turning into one big ass case study of self… Let me explain.

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“Fourth of July weekend, 2016 here I am 4 days away from completing truck driver school #somewhereintexas and of course, being the perfectionist I Am, I strain my clutching knee. As divine timing and “Gawd’s favor” would have it, it’s a 3-day weekend. So im like cool!! Im going home to Grandma’s house so she can love on me, wrap my knee, give me some GOOD pain meds, FILL MY BELLY (yes, lordt) you know, nurture me, so ill be back in tip top shape  just in time for class come Tuesday morning!!! #anticipation

 

Yay grandma 

 

140+ miles later I arrive at Grandma’s house… Limping from that hard-body ’95 Nissan truck (no hammers) to the front door, 3 trips to be exact in 103 degree TEXAS heat, mind you.. Open the door, cool crisp central air blasts me in the face. I inhale deeply.. I exhale a sigh of relief.. Until my eyes connect with my makeshift bed er umm couch. **the let down** Mind you ive already briefed Granny on the prior week’s challenges ya know the usual male chauvinistic, sexist, misogynist culture that is the trucking/automotive industry to which im no stranger to. Ive been working in said industry since 2006 so trust me, my skin is thick. However, this situation differs as ive never lived amongst those I worked with. College dorm sleeping, classroom style and OMG has it been an eye opener… Now week one of this 3week Class A intensive was the “welcoming” while week 2 was the initiation. I wont go into specifics but lets just say I would be just fine if I never hear the words “Yall females are taking all of OUR jobs” again in my life. See what that particular guy didn’t understand is that I too am a misogynist, CORRECTION: An internalized misogynist (thanks feminist chick.. there’s the bright side to your shady hearted antics) and didn’t fully comprehend why until I came “home” for the weekend. See, last week I kept trying to avoid this guy but he kept parking near me. Just had to say SOMETHING to me ya know? Just a pestilent little shit I couldn’t get away from. Then, it comes to me, like an epiphany…. He is my reflection!!! My own got damned shadow-self .

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According to Wikipedia Shadow-Self means: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shadow_(psychology)  Now when I say shadow-self I mean those parts of us that continue rearing its ugly head no matter how many yoga challenges we participate in, how many yoni steams or digestive system detoxes we perform, no matter how much chamomile tea and nag champa incense we burn, that darkside, that shadow just keeps on nagging at your inner peace like that one neighbor we ALL know who will STILL be bussin cannon-style fireworks randomly between the hours of 10:57p.m and 3:13am for the next 2-3 weeks… So, I had 2 choices. Either make friends with this bully, get to the root of why he doesn’t like women imposing on “his” territory, show him im different, you know cater to his egoic persona while stroking my own OR curse this dude (who is also a projection of myself, follow me now) out so bad he never blinks my away again let alone makes another snide remark.. OUTCOME: I did both not only did I make friends with my darkside i physically cursed him smooth out. Banished his ass like a bad spirit who cant accept its no longer in this physical realm!!!! Ghostbuster style… And man did it feel good!!! All that shy, passive shit flew right out the door. I had taken my last blow from misogyny.. or so I thought. Continue reading Dear Angry black woman, Im tired of yall… I mean, Us.