Category Archives: Mental Health

Growing Pains of a Holistic Domme

 

I didn’t know what I meant to you.
I didn’t know my influence.
With your consent, I used you to feed my demons.
The greatest sin in all this is leaving you for years in between sessions knowing full well the impact such a void would leave on an already broken impressionable heart.
To my first subs, I Apologize.
I apologize for leaving you how my first abusers left me after relieving themselves, thus perpetuating the cycle of emotional/psychological manipulation thru sexual abuse.
In this walk of B.D.S.M there’s a fine line between predator & prey.
To be as close to “fair” as humanly possible, your innocence.. yearning for acceptance & mothering made you the perfect prey. In retrospect I would in turn become your beloved predator.
The Lair.. Mantling the Human

 

 

Like the Owl mantling it’s prey, I would shield you. With our Egoic Death imminently approaching.. As the grip tightens around your dainty throat, each breath more shallow than the next, lips loosen, more fingers your orifice(s) receives.. next breath, wrist twist, whole hand engulfed in your seas, Fully received, voice squeals, I loosen my grip long enough to permit air in your lungs, intently glaring into glossy eyes I COMMAND thee, “BITCH BREATHE!”

Breath Play/Asphyxiation
Slow deep & controlled, her eyes gloss, a single tear falls as she smirks, open hand face smack, grip tight once more as i shove my tongue so deep i graze her tonsils, wrist twists, she grinds. FULL STOP.
*tilts head*
Have i given you permission to fuck me back, YET?! A moment of fear wrapped in arousal overcomes her. She knows her Domme isnt pleased. Her cum she attempts to hold. Dopamine, floods as her cheeks turn from pink to  flusterered ruby.. BITCH BREATHE! Wrist twists, she shakes..
**tilts head, She snarls**
You want me to own you, me? One who has yet to take claim of her own divinity by birthright. You lay there, yielding your all to me.. her? In this moment i wonder who’s really in “control” here?
D/s (Dominant/Domme [Feminine Dominant] during a scence or B.D.S.M Play) Lower cased letter denotes status in relationship or hierarchical dynamic. Dominant/submissive (D/s), Master/slave (M/s) etc
Untwist.. losing my grip, “dont let her see your human Dragonfly.. she won’t respect you if you do. Stay present like that shit you preach in them yoga classes & social media posts.. Demons taunt..”
Internal Conflict Ceases..
“Your tears will go great as seasoning in my spaghetti sauce!! She licks..”
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For the last year I have observed both the rise & demise of “seemingly powerful” unions of the aware community community. Unions that were once financially lucrative while spiritually comatose. Crumbling because their foundations were built on trauma but was never addressed properly.  Ive observed abuse of power by D-types & for lack of better words, I was appalled. Even moreso the out of pocket nature of subs is just.. It reflects poorly on their D’s leadership abilities. So I wrote this piece as both the observer & active participant in the fuckery. I Am no better or worse than those who abuse their authority as Dominant. But I will say this, If at any point I feel myself being pushed beyond what I’m emotionally or psychologically equipped to handle from a respectful but firm standpoint, I will remove myself from the sub’s grasp completely. As I teach my students from the first day on the mat, as well as my potential Intimacy Surrogate partners, Self Preservation Is the first & most imporant law of Nature. And believe you me, I Will leave you alone cold turkey if it means my freedom, sanity, or livelihood is at stake, PERIOD. Decorum, consent, respect are all #1 under my leadership & are non-negotiable. Everything else is negotiable. Furthermore, I require Balance & Moderation in ALL things I touch especially MY subs in training..

Find Your Center…
Benediction..
Its kind of strange being a medium whose entire essence is built on one foot being planted firmly in the physically while the other simultaneously dances with the deceased. And as we enter the season of death by Scorpion, the Reaper within rises. Scythe sharpened & greased ready to harvest that which she’s worked all year to reap the benefits of. She’s ready to collect without apology.
Don’t Fear the Reaper babygirl/boy within….
She’s been here before. Year after year, prey after prey the colder she grows but on the contrary her heart warms. Not for those outside but the compassion she has for her own perceived demons is what keeps the proverbial fire burning within..

Continue reading Growing Pains of a Holistic Domme

Woman: All knowing, yet addicted to playing victim..

Ive been attempting to get to the root of why there’s such an emtional disconnect between myself & women vs. that of well… unison in terms of the male species and it has finally dawned on me.. my ex was completely right when he said men were degenerate versions of women. I couldnt wrap my mind around it at the time. To be honest, i was actually offended because that was MY sun he was talking about, but all in all like the Pisces he is, he was right.

I see the heterosexual male as something similar to our special needs population here in the west. For whatever reason, the androgynous creator sought out to create both physical manifestations of its self. One being woman, the other being man & group of beings who would have all the remnants of everything above, below & in between. Gatekeepers..

Pause, im not one to half-ass anything i write but im in a space where im no longer interested in intellectualism. Im not willing to explain my stance, when it just is. I dont want to convert you, the reader or save the planet. And to be frank, this whole blog is redundant but for the sake of argument, let me get to the point.

UnPause: Introspection has brought me to the understanding that women only play victim to “patriarchy/misogyny” because if they accepted that they’re both the creator & destroyer of ignorance then change starts with her. Not only that, she would have to admit her perfect creation, man-kind, isnt quite as perfect as she thought into existence. She is a jealous, bipolar, ego driven, hypersexual, fear based god & to go against her will, is blasphemy punishibale by cyber death. Ive witnessed women ruin entire careers, reputations, blogs etc all because one dared to defy her will by challenging her ideals. When fact of the matter is, everything begins & ends with her. This is why the child is first housed within her womb. Thats the first earth, first house, first crib, first meal, last breath. And its also where death occurs first. She is the alpha, & the omega. She is/was the first & will be the last of creation, but we’ll never see progress in this realm again, until she accepts her role in being the predatory savage she was created to be. What we are witnessing in today’s heterosexual male are the absolute recessive parts of Gods subconsious playing out in our everyday lives & for the first time she’s seeing herself and good lord is she hideous.. Those parts of her MUST be eradicated but of course she has to accept her place in creating this clusterfuck, first.. she leads, he’ll follow, but lets not put the cart before the horse just yet..

The heterosexual male never stood a chance at being her counterpart.. her equal. He was set up for failure the day we decided to put his genitals on the outside, leading his body before his head/heart. Then here we are, 2017, projecting our disappointment in him for not living up to our impossible standards he was never going to be able to attain to begin with & deep down, he knows he’s sub-par. He tries his hardest to please us but as god, her appetite can never be satisfied. To admit this, her imperfection is to admit defeat. Is to admit thats she’s human & quite possibly no higher than He afterall.

 

So whats the point? Im not sure.. perhaps we were just bored & wanted to play with ourselves via cosmic masturbation, and figured hey lets pretend we’re the weaker sex & fondle man’s emotions until they destroy each other to the point they’ll have no choice but to submit to our will. Only to realize, they would destroy the planet in the process.  Then again, this is the all-knowing god we’re talking about so instead of admitting she’s wrong & fixing it for divine peace, lets just destroy everything that has breath, that has potential for greatness then they’ll beg for a reset, & still get to be the savior all over again.

 

Far-fetched? Perhaps. but because god works in mysterious ways we shouldnt question her in/abilities to make sound, logical non-reactionary judgments or expect her to do so or suffer the wrath of her consequences. She’ll flood the earth, burn it to ash, or become so jealous of our unity she’ll cause Pangaea to shift..

 

Point: As a gatekeeper, I was born neutral towards woman, while harboring 100% compassion towards man. (Ive had to learn how to be neutral towards men but thats another blog) Woman refuses to hold herself accountable for allowing this “mess” a safe space inside her womb then why should he bother cleaning up? Protecting HER house she so proudly boasts belings solely to her? (rhetorical)

And For this fact alone, I cant be mad at man for how he acts. For being “predatory,” when it is us who created him to be that in the first place. He’s just stunting like his mama, thats all. I find no fault in Him for that. He was already forgiven for his sins once i accepted him into my womb. So, here’s to man-kind.. the degenerate special needs version of myself. You are now free to do you, with or without me/us.. Free will brother.. Do with it, what thou whilst. Thanks for reading.

You’re not as innocent as you think…

Because everybody’s a victim in 2017, or wants to play one, let me speak directly to those who are so helpless & innocent they can’t tell a broken fe/male from a [mostly] healed one..

I’m going to attempt to keep this brief & to the point. I’ve witnessed a lot of finger pointing going on between which came first chicken or the egg on these internet streets, when in reality they’re both the same chicken, just in different stages of life but I digress.

There’s an ongoing debate on whose at fault for the break down of the black community here in the West, so without getting too deep, let’s just say it’s my fault. 30yrs on this planet & I still view everything outside of me as OUT-SIDE of me.. Just Sit with that one for a minute..

By now you’ve survived all the trauma living in the first world has to offer. I know how tough it is having Indoor plumbing,  access to the front entrance of anywhere you dare to purchase goods & services from, passports to leave and go wherever you want whenever you want.. not having drones bomb your entire neighborhoods, or better yet, having the freedom to parade through public streets full nude & proclaim that others are wrong for not embracing YOUR willingness to be well, butt-naked in public. It’s tough living like this, & things really need to change for the better, I totally get it. You’ve played the victim so long you can’t even tell you’ve actually become your captor.. You’ve actually become the predator we all love to hate.. Let me explain.

Continue reading You’re not as innocent as you think…

You have the right to Stay Sleep: A “Stay Woke” Think Piece…

After watching Hidden Colors 1-3/4,  a few buzzkill documentaries & reliving slavery via “strange fruit” memes via social media from your “#wokeAf friends, learning to respect another’s right to dis-associate #staySleep themselves  from the harsh reality of today’s social climate can be challenging. Especially when it requires a certain level of compassion & understanding as opposed to rude awakenings, teasing by name calling (sheep, coon etc), bashing ideologies  or coercion.  But first let me give you the definition of what it means to disassociate so you’ll know how/what you’re dis-respecting..

http://<a

href=”http://www.thefreedictionary.com/disassociate”>disassociate</a>

Now check below to find out about Dissociative Disorders that cause memory blockages or temporary amnesia..

https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/dissociative-disorders/what-are-dissociative-disorders

 

 

Experiencing temporary amnesia (blocked memories) or even being so-called “sleep” is just how the brain protects itself from the reality of traumatic events. Be it a car accident, death of a loved one, sexual trauma or Continue reading You have the right to Stay Sleep: A “Stay Woke” Think Piece…

Nicki Minaj Envy… I totally get it!!

 

Here’s a brief synopsis of my observation over this whole Nicki Minaj Remy Ma beef thing..

 

Y’all are only team #Remy over #Nicki for the same reason folks are team #solange over #beyonce, period.. Keep reading I’ll explain.

Short Version: Trauma & Perpetual self victimization.. Anytime Remy opens her mouth all i hear hypermasculinity..anger pain.. then when i see her, i receive that confirmation.

When i hear Nicki’ s voice theres’s this childlike innocence within it, When i see her? Confirmation. This is a chick who still finds sanctity in playing dress-up.. Fearless, sensual femininity in This modern world & in today’s climate, that’s a BIG no-no.. It’s just not “safe” to be free, flouncing around in “silly” costumes, smiling from ear to ear everywhere you go..

That’s just not adult-like. And you people just couldn’t wait for the big bad wolf to eat her ass alive to prove how right you are about YOUR world…

You know, Remy reminds me of the misguided, disgruntled child with an alcoholic step dad & strung out mother for parental figures, who was forced to raise her siblings before her first menstrual flow.. #rootchakra #foundationsMatter Who then goes to school to pull the hair of the “pretty” girls, with clean clothes with parental figures who care about that child’s wellbeing. The one who all the little boys chase on the playground while calling HER their “homeboy” & getting punched in the shoulder as if she is one of the guys.. I get it. She’s the underdog. And we all love a good “started from the bottom” story to make us feel less miserable about our own shadows & sh*t.

 

I Totally get it..

 

Sooo, what did The Queen Beyonce & Solange have to do with this Made for tv lifetime movie script?

Well Solo, is the “rebellious” (pretty, but still) less pretty, less angelic, unapologetically querky, eccentric, outwardly aggressive hypermaculine version of Beyonce..

And lets be real, yall werent fucking with #solange until she jumped on Jay-Z (#misandry) then dropped ‘Dont Touch My Hair/Cranes’ at the height of your lil #blackGirlMagic ego boost campaign.. Yall wasnt seeing her back when she had regrets about T.O.N.Y so have a seat at the damn table & cut that bullshit out!!!

Now, Remy & Solange Are lyricists/writers while Beyonce & Nicki are performers.. Both highly respectable lanes with plenty of room for growth & evolution. There’s no real need to compete tbh.. but ya know, egoes & whatnot.

In closing, its all art to me either way you slice it.  If you cant tell by now, im biased towards the more sensual feminine woman, versus hyper-aggressive boisterous women.  I mean, I get it tho.. I’ve been hypermasculine for roughly 25years of my life & quite frankly, that shit was exhausting. Y’all can have at it tho. I’m just packing lighter these days.   #traumaFree #lightYogi #dragonflyaffect #exBagLady 

Black Wednesday, I Am: The sacrifice…

 

Picture this.. December 24, 2004. Under the imminent threat of inclement weather, We rise early to drive a few hours North to Little Rock, Arkansas for the procedure. (As I write this I’m trying to remember if I knew where we were going and why.. it’s sort of fuzzy but I do remember it was cold.. my mind was full of fog as it had been the last 3months or so.. ) We arrive to this facility only to be searched upon entry. Medal detectors, bullet proof glass & strange smells.. We sign on then sit in the lobby. Silence. All of our expressions are the same. Most of the faces have a husband or boyfriend with them for support but I have my mother.
Attempting to cheer me up, but I have nothing. Not even fear. All of this feels like a dream and I’m just ready to be warm & In my Twin Sized Blues Clues covered bed set… Continue reading Black Wednesday, I Am: The sacrifice…

Overcoming Holiday Depression Anxiety.. And why I Am thankful..

Its no longer a debate on whether we came from a LONG line of emotionally unavailable women or not. Its no longer a debate of whether this system made her that way by stripping her of our father’s, her father literally &/or figuratively. But now that we’re here, the offspring generation Y, fully awakened & aware of said conditions looking around at this world as newborns.. like how did this happen? When the evidence lies within what of our remains bloodline..

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I remember Thanksgiving 2009.. My great grandmother had passed on MLK day bacin January 19. Couple months prior trying to be a team player going the extra mile for a certain pizza chain, ended up being T- boned by some idiot totalling my first ride.. a 99 Toyota Tacoma.. tore ligaments in my neck & for the first time in my life, I was terrified to drive.. I even started smoking cigarettes (one of two things besides adrenal gland fatigue that took my Mama Dea out.. along with her husband a few weeks prior to thanksgiving back in ’96)  just to drive again once I finally ran out of savings.. Fast forward to thanksgiving.. car-less, body broken, ego shattered, heart? (don’t mention it) And my aunt is on her way to pick me up to take me to be bombarded with memories of the staple of my life that no longer exists. the one person who never turned her back on me.. or it looked at me with disgust for being “broken”.. she was gone. Fast forward I decline the ride and to my surprise, no-one sent me a plate. They fed the “homeless” in Madison instead.. As punishment for not showing up, I didn’t “deserve” a plate. Which reminded me of that one Christmas mom didn’t but me anything because lets be honest.  i was a problem child.. year after year presents & plates were piled high for me.. I can’t remember the crap i was bought or the foods on those plates but I remember the disappointment.. the emptiness.. the rejection of not being understood. I learned just how cold & unsympathetic the black woman could truly be..

My new perspective is that they were grieving too.. And my not being there was a way to lash out for all the grief a sexually abused child brings upon a family. My not being there was a bitter sweet feeling because 1) I wasn’t a physical reminder of what the town knows happened 2) I gave in to depression. I was becoming a loser & a failure because I wasn’t as “strong” as them. I couldn’t just “put on” for a few hours and pretend to be overjoyed to see them.. make them feel better and it’s better they don’t have to see me. 3) more food for them

So I said all that to say this.. what my family doesn’t know is that I haven’t had an appetite on thanksgiving since ’95.. I have to force myself to eat every year during this time. I can’t smoke to provoke an appetite due to current profession so all that’s left to do is feel. And if I must say so myself, I feel more alive NOW than ever before. However I do understand why people feel anger, anxiety, depression during these times. It feels as if We’re stuck in bereavement mode, my generation. All this knowledge we have we just can’t seem to evolve past the pain. Pain, self victimization, self pity,  self sabotage, self neglect and all around trauma have become our normal. Granted some of us can & are doing the werk to evolve but there comes a time where one must separate others pain, their PAST trauma, their PAST hurts and embrace where they are right now. In the present.. Thanksgiving 2016, the outside world is “grieving” for native American struggles, all summer it was “black” lives, and today is a gumbo of the “world’s” pain and tragedy. And im over here like, nah. I still dont have an appetite but i DO have joy in my heart. I can actually FEEL love and compassion for others without feeling drained of life force. In ’09 my heart was filled with despair. 2013, I was praying for Trayvon, scared for my teenage male relatives.. 2015, I observed the final thanksgiving I was going to spend being “concious” 100% in my head about the knowledge & superior to my blood relatives.. true I would fake happy til this year but I made it through!!! I finally beat depression. I finally have my innocence.. my femininity.. my sensuality back and for that, I Am thankful. The world will burn I mean turn no matter what hashtag is popping this week. I Am thankful for moments of the present. And one day, this life or the next, so will you..

blessing2

Thanks for reading.

Dear elder males, you failed.

 

TRIGGER WARNING!!!!

If there is a paedophile over the age of 25, still living, still breathing, living good in this “free world” & you, as their parent, uncle, grandpa “male elder” etc are fully aware of their transgressions against children… YOU are a failure. As the protector of the family, YOU were to eliminate ALL threats at the first sign of imbalance.. Especially when your sister/cousin/niece decided she was only going to attract loser men, incapable of actively consitent fatherhood, to reproduce with thus placing said burden on YOUR shoulders. You’re a failure & so is she!

Yes, I’m aware we live in the “sexual liberation” age, but that shit is null & void when children are being born into YOUR living second pubescent life at 35..

When that child starts acting out, running away, being “fass/manish” in school & everywhere, performing UNSPEAKABLE acts on other children, instead of getting them help… instead of intervening with concern, finding out WHO turned them into this child preying entity, you beat them. Not because you want to correct the behavior. it’s because YOU knew something was wrong. YOU knew you were failing somewhere down/up the line and now “outsiders” know your little charade is up. You defied god/intuition & your child.. OUR communities are paying the ultimate price. Continue reading Dear elder males, you failed.

Gross Negligence: Heart Chakra & the 7 stages of grief..

Throughout this blog, I’ve spoken strictly from the neglected root chakra perspective via childhood sexual trauma. As i work my way up the “self- correcting” ladder that is the chakra system, reprogramming generational effects of  being born in the “first world.” As unsettling as it is, i have to admit that it’s become more evident, that we’re being attacked on all fronts.. simultaneously at the heart & root level.. There’s no reaching the crown without a fully activated heart.. there’s no reaching the heart when the foundation is cracked.. ironically the heart is the only organ standing at the gates that unites the upper 3 & lower 3 chakras. When an organism sees no benefit in its Being FULLY functional, that vital organ no longer has a purpose to fuel said organisms continued survival.

The Map of the Human Heart
The Map of the Human Heart

The heart is such a beautifully chaotic organ. On the surface all we see is the rhythmic pulsating action of said organ’s synchronized chaos involuntarily fighting for a living, breathing [both rebellious ungrateful, by society’s design] organism who refuses to even acknowledge its purposeful existence.

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but before I get too deep, here’s a few meme’s depicting the collective mentality of a population under the influence of westernized “first world” culture.

 

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Self Pity, Depression.. Shock.. Loss.

 

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Self Defense.. fight, flight or freeze.

 

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Groupthink, gang mentality influenced & backed by entertainment/music industry.

And in true westernized society fashion, I present to you… Supplementation.

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Denial, Overworking/Over-extending ourselves into exhaustion… “Work/grind-a-holics” Independent/strong black women.. Facades.

 

fuck_love_do_drugs-816446
Self Destruction/Sabotage & Escapism,
tumblr_no9gpnjh6u1up837ko1_250
More Denial & Escapism..

Acceptance/Introspection.

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Acceptance, Introspection.. Growth.

 

It’s my observation that one has to experience all 7 stages of grief to activate all 7 chakras.. Yes, some stages repeat but that’s only because one hasnt mastered the lesson. Of course this is from a rudimentary perspective as I Am still coming into this Knowing of self. So with that being said, eventually I’ll go more in depth regarding each stage but im going to stop here for now.  Thanks for reading.