Alrighty so by now (blog 5) we’re well aware that I’ve got some abandonment type issues.. sprinkle in a little sexual abuse.. public education… and KA-BOOM!!! Yea, cool story bro, right?
But see the that’s not why im not interested in helping raise your little crumb snatcher. Or maybe it is, we’ll see by the end of this piece. First let me take a few steps UP to the top of my high horse and give you a brief synopsis of how I know I’d suck as your kid’s step-parent…
Selfish. I truly suck at sharing things and unless we’ve been together for over 2-3years im probably not bored enough to meet your kids yet. Chances are im still enjoying that whole new car smell type loving & Who has the energy for those impromptu calls about how Lil Timmy just broke his big toe at soccer practice and needs YOU to come tell your story about how back in Cooley High 1997 you played through your ACL injury and scorned the winning shot in triple over-time.. WHILE IN THE MIDDLE OF FUCKING COS-PLAY!!!! Got damn you Timmy get your coordination together, FUCK!!!
Or my absolute personal favorite, I have to cheer your irritable ass up all because your whack ass child’s mother/ex-wife who don’t want their ex to be great without them, heard her babygirl tell her other sibling how much they like Ms. Dragonfly over her mean ass? How Ms. Dragonfly takes the time to cut up their meat, asks questions about their school day fucking colors with them? And because they actually WANT TO STAY with their daddy and his “new bitch” you purposely start beef just to keep them away from us/him.. You try to punish HIM by punishing the babies… Yea that’s my favorite. Nobody got the energy to build that man back up right after you hoes simultaneously ripped my heart from me….. Its like clockwork!!! Which leads me to #2….
2. Attachment. In the last serious relationship I encountered, this man was probably the most dope MALE parent ive ever witnessed in for real life, but I knew it wasn’t going to last. I knew our relationship wasn’t going to go the distance yet after roughly 1.5 of dating then eventually living together, he introduced me to his children… ~sighs~ Lets back up a few years. Now I entered my first bid dealing with a grown aged male with children, back in ill say ’08 shortly after coming off of a 3 year vagina eating binge triggered by a laughing gas induced abortion that traumatized me so badly I gagged at the mere look of interest from a male but I digress. So yea, I was the youngest side-chick (before it was righteous, I guess) of many to a married man at the local sausage factory (no literally, we slaughtered hogs into sausage there) whose wife didn’t care for his “basterd” out of wedlock son. HA! Go figure… Mind you im like 21, haven’t had dick for three years and quite frankly all I hear is whomp whomp whomp look don’t fall in love with me nigga. We would sit outside my hot pink colored duplex near Central High School talking for hours because during that time I actually respected the ring. I frowned upon bitches who would later become me, for messing with married men, but on the cool it was HE that made ME comfortable with the idea. Dogged his wife so bad to the point I was like look, just leave her ass. You cant come live with me but yea you should just leave. That way my conscience will be clear enough to ride your nuts dry… he says he cant because he has two daughters, child support blah blah yea we eventually fucked… a LOT!!!! And man was it good. Til one day he through a wrench in the game. Calls me up and says ‘Hey, T, I got Jr for the weekend we’re staying with mom you wanna meet him?” And before I realized the trap I was all excited like “Fuck yea, bring the lil ninja over…”
So, here I am loving this lil boy AS IF he’s my own… Met the man’s mom who tells me all about how she never liked his wife, shows me pictures of the wedding, him as a baby so on and so forth and as im observing the wife, she wasn’t even happy at her own wedding… but that’s neither here nor there. Back to the kid, yea he was the bait and I took it. This was also around the time I first started tackling those pesky child abuse issues, my mother figure (great grandmother) passed away (Ase’) and maaaaan listen. I was losing my shit. Grabbing for love anywhere I could get it… He wasn’t gonna ever leave his wife and here I was stuck looking stupid. So, I started fucking another sausage slicer, then a mechanic, just doing what I knew best to plug up those holes of abandonment…. quit my job, started drinking, smoking, stripping and repeat… straight self destruct mode. It was almost like a repeated abortion on some level ya know? Hmm, perhaps it was the guilt that…. PAUSE, that’s for another day.
3. Perfectionist. Alright so here’s the meat and potatoes of this entire operation. I don’t exactly like being around children. Im always in hyper-vigilant mode. Observing behaviors of the interaction between the adults they come into any environment with. Are they knock-knee? Aloof? Crying out so loudly but only on a frequency to which is only audible to me???Be mindful of your words Dragonfly. If you’re at an adult venue yet someone brings their “almost grown” child resist all urges to twerk when you hear “Cash Money taking over for the…..” And for the love God/Buddha/Yeshua/Allah/Ancestors and them Do NOT curse!!!! Dont yell in frustration when you’re well… frustrated. Minors are impressionable. They observe, absorb and mimic EVERYTHING they come into contact with. And as you already know, Dragonfly words can hurt worse than blows.. #censorship is damn near bondage for someone like me… #pressureBurstsPipes
You will NOT be the cause of their destruction. Minors deserve to be protected, shielded from ALL harm.. ALL debauchery and ill be DAMNED if im the one who scars them for life all because of PMS or because I lost my cool, forgot my breathing exercises, didn’t yoga and beat scars and whelts into their delicate flesh just like ALL my ancestors before me… I cannot bare letting them down.. Due to these perceived IM’perfections at this time, iDragonfly, choose the high road.
4. The odds aren’t favorable. Nothing lasts forever. There aren’t any absolutes in this life. Not even in death. However, in the heat of the moment we FEEL this guy/gal is perfect for us.. Matter fact all dates leading up until the very moment of conception tells us they’re RIGHT for us and according to my own family, the family’s ive grown up around, 8/10 aren’t long-term. And the ones that are long-term (over 10 years) they’re not even happy but at least their children came from a two-parent household so there’s some sense of “balance” eventhough that’s not what I seek. In their homes the little girls will know how a man is to treat them because their daddies showed then AND their mom with respect.
The sons will know how to treat their wives because their dads treated mom with respect.. He provided and protected no matter what. If he couldn’t fix a thing on his own he knew someone who could. He had no issue accepting when he had bitten off more than he could chew on a project and their mom didn’t bitch him out in front of his offspring, to her family friends, in public even if she perceived his efforts as falling short. Ase’
If I cannot GUARANTEE my/our children this outcome.. A legacy for them to continue. Then on this high horse shall I remain. I refuse to become one of these angry feminist chicks who cant accept that yea, they chose sub-par men to procreate with and I also refuse to procreate with one of these i hate my mama fixer-upper misogynist dudes who coincidentally knocked up the same-aged version of guess who???? HIS MAMA!!! Smh what a conundrum… Again I digress…
Seriously, My/our babies DESERVE what I/we never received. And if you listen closely none of what I mention has a hoe ass thing to do with material assets. Just respect, integrity, humility, honor, PROTECTION, transparency, business, trust and fucking loyalty. Love is the glue. Trust is the foundation. Honor is the shield. As I build these things within, it is my prayer that Our father of Our household is doing the exact same thing, on his OWN terms, in his OWN time, and when that day comes, we’ll seal the deal with this guarantee. He’s going to lead Our family, but only when I/He/We are ready… Until then, i respectfully decline any and ALL offers into step-parenthood because We’re co-creating our own.
P.S. If you already have a family trying to create something new requires a lot of energy.. A see-saw effect… That’s a BALANCING act.
P.S. S. What I seek is harmony. Harmony is Like waves of the ocean.. a natural ebb and flow.. Balance has to be taught, has to be practiced.. its a give and take operation.. but Harmony just…. it just flows.. reciprocity.. renewing… neverending… replenishing…
With love & Fire.. -T. D Hooks
Thanks for reading…