Overcoming Holiday Depression Anxiety.. And why I Am thankful..

Its no longer a debate on whether we came from a LONG line of emotionally unavailable women or not. Its no longer a debate of whether this system made her that way by stripping her of our father’s, her father literally &/or figuratively. But now that we’re here, the offspring generation Y, fully awakened & aware of said conditions looking around at this world as newborns.. like how did this happen? When the evidence lies within what of our remains bloodline..

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I remember Thanksgiving 2009.. My great grandmother had passed on MLK day bacin January 19. Couple months prior trying to be a team player going the extra mile for a certain pizza chain, ended up being T- boned by some idiot totalling my first ride.. a 99 Toyota Tacoma.. tore ligaments in my neck & for the first time in my life, I was terrified to drive.. I even started smoking cigarettes (one of two things besides adrenal gland fatigue that took my Mama Dea out.. along with her husband a few weeks prior to thanksgiving back in ’96)  just to drive again once I finally ran out of savings.. Fast forward to thanksgiving.. car-less, body broken, ego shattered, heart? (don’t mention it) And my aunt is on her way to pick me up to take me to be bombarded with memories of the staple of my life that no longer exists. the one person who never turned her back on me.. or it looked at me with disgust for being “broken”.. she was gone. Fast forward I decline the ride and to my surprise, no-one sent me a plate. They fed the “homeless” in Madison instead.. As punishment for not showing up, I didn’t “deserve” a plate. Which reminded me of that one Christmas mom didn’t but me anything because lets be honest.  i was a problem child.. year after year presents & plates were piled high for me.. I can’t remember the crap i was bought or the foods on those plates but I remember the disappointment.. the emptiness.. the rejection of not being understood. I learned just how cold & unsympathetic the black woman could truly be..

My new perspective is that they were grieving too.. And my not being there was a way to lash out for all the grief a sexually abused child brings upon a family. My not being there was a bitter sweet feeling because 1) I wasn’t a physical reminder of what the town knows happened 2) I gave in to depression. I was becoming a loser & a failure because I wasn’t as “strong” as them. I couldn’t just “put on” for a few hours and pretend to be overjoyed to see them.. make them feel better and it’s better they don’t have to see me. 3) more food for them

So I said all that to say this.. what my family doesn’t know is that I haven’t had an appetite on thanksgiving since ’95.. I have to force myself to eat every year during this time. I can’t smoke to provoke an appetite due to current profession so all that’s left to do is feel. And if I must say so myself, I feel more alive NOW than ever before. However I do understand why people feel anger, anxiety, depression during these times. It feels as if We’re stuck in bereavement mode, my generation. All this knowledge we have we just can’t seem to evolve past the pain. Pain, self victimization, self pity,  self sabotage, self neglect and all around trauma have become our normal. Granted some of us can & are doing the werk to evolve but there comes a time where one must separate others pain, their PAST trauma, their PAST hurts and embrace where they are right now. In the present.. Thanksgiving 2016, the outside world is “grieving” for native American struggles, all summer it was “black” lives, and today is a gumbo of the “world’s” pain and tragedy. And im over here like, nah. I still dont have an appetite but i DO have joy in my heart. I can actually FEEL love and compassion for others without feeling drained of life force. In ’09 my heart was filled with despair. 2013, I was praying for Trayvon, scared for my teenage male relatives.. 2015, I observed the final thanksgiving I was going to spend being “concious” 100% in my head about the knowledge & superior to my blood relatives.. true I would fake happy til this year but I made it through!!! I finally beat depression. I finally have my innocence.. my femininity.. my sensuality back and for that, I Am thankful. The world will burn I mean turn no matter what hashtag is popping this week. I Am thankful for moments of the present. And one day, this life or the next, so will you..

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Thanks for reading.

Dear elder males, you failed.

 

TRIGGER WARNING!!!!

If there is a paedophile over the age of 25, still living, still breathing, living good in this “free world” & you, as their parent, uncle, grandpa “male elder” etc are fully aware of their transgressions against children… YOU are a failure. As the protector of the family, YOU were to eliminate ALL threats at the first sign of imbalance.. Especially when your sister/cousin/niece decided she was only going to attract loser men, incapable of actively consitent fatherhood, to reproduce with thus placing said burden on YOUR shoulders. You’re a failure & so is she!

Yes, I’m aware we live in the “sexual liberation” age, but that shit is null & void when children are being born into YOUR living second pubescent life at 35..

When that child starts acting out, running away, being “fass/manish” in school & everywhere, performing UNSPEAKABLE acts on other children, instead of getting them help… instead of intervening with concern, finding out WHO turned them into this child preying entity, you beat them. Not because you want to correct the behavior. it’s because YOU knew something was wrong. YOU knew you were failing somewhere down/up the line and now “outsiders” know your little charade is up. You defied god/intuition & your child.. OUR communities are paying the ultimate price. Continue reading Dear elder males, you failed.

Gross Negligence: Heart Chakra & the 7 stages of grief..

Throughout this blog, I’ve spoken strictly from the neglected root chakra perspective via childhood sexual trauma. As i work my way up the “self- correcting” ladder that is the chakra system, reprogramming generational effects of  being born in the “first world.” As unsettling as it is, i have to admit that it’s become more evident, that we’re being attacked on all fronts.. simultaneously at the heart & root level.. There’s no reaching the crown without a fully activated heart.. there’s no reaching the heart when the foundation is cracked.. ironically the heart is the only organ standing at the gates that unites the upper 3 & lower 3 chakras. When an organism sees no benefit in its Being FULLY functional, that vital organ no longer has a purpose to fuel said organisms continued survival.

The Map of the Human Heart
The Map of the Human Heart

The heart is such a beautifully chaotic organ. On the surface all we see is the rhythmic pulsating action of said organ’s synchronized chaos involuntarily fighting for a living, breathing [both rebellious ungrateful, by society’s design] organism who refuses to even acknowledge its purposeful existence.

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but before I get too deep, here’s a few meme’s depicting the collective mentality of a population under the influence of westernized “first world” culture.

 

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Self Pity, Depression.. Shock.. Loss.

 

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Self Defense.. fight, flight or freeze.

 

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Groupthink, gang mentality influenced & backed by entertainment/music industry.

And in true westernized society fashion, I present to you… Supplementation.

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Denial, Overworking/Over-extending ourselves into exhaustion… “Work/grind-a-holics” Independent/strong black women.. Facades.

 

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Self Destruction/Sabotage & Escapism,
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More Denial & Escapism..

Acceptance/Introspection.

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Acceptance, Introspection.. Growth.

 

It’s my observation that one has to experience all 7 stages of grief to activate all 7 chakras.. Yes, some stages repeat but that’s only because one hasnt mastered the lesson. Of course this is from a rudimentary perspective as I Am still coming into this Knowing of self. So with that being said, eventually I’ll go more in depth regarding each stage but im going to stop here for now.  Thanks for reading.

 

Love aint lust, ladies…

kendricklam

Love & Lust feel nothing alike… I mean absolutely nothing alike. And I’m trying to decide from whose perspective shall I speak Or to whom the subject matter should be geared towards, but fellas try being direct with these females because they don’t really comprehend “nice no’s.” Before i dive into it, LADIES: let me give you a quick tip on how to discern whether it’s lust controlling him or not…

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Fellas, back to yall.. They’re having trouble wrapping they’re mind around the services you’re providing as a warm body, fire head game &/or between consistent schlong stamina. Your man meat unlocks years of trauma.. I’m talking generational trauma but isn’t it funny how once the seed is spilled you snap back to reality out of that trance like state? While she head over heels in love sex high off adrenaline & oxytocin, on the other hand is up washing your dishes.. folding your clothes, liking All your damn profile pics and all you were looking for was a little release therapy…

Now you got 2 options..

1) Cut her off. Cold turkey [or at least attempt to]
2) Drag it out because she looks at least halfway decent, mediocre head, phenomenal body, plus she lets you [insert fetish here] til “she” MAKES you snap or you put a baby in her.

Ahh fuq it!!! Do what thou whilst.. Make the most of this human experience.. Pick your poison. But remember I told you.. Love feels nothing like lust. Thanks for reading.

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